OVERDRESSED AND UNDERPREPARED

So, another typically average day at Vague House... everyone is going crazy preparing for the Tatler 300th extravaganza taking place at Lancaster House tomorrow (think De Beers, debauchery and double barrelled surnames and you're half way there)... but I didn't realise the physical preparation I would personally have to undergo...

TATLERGIRL: Here's your invitation for tomorrow, don't forget to take it with you. Now I've booked you in at St Tropez at 11.30 so you need to run.

ME: Hmm?

TATLERGIRL: (impatient) If you're going to the party you need a spray tan. And now you're LATE SO GO!!

If a TATLERGIRL is shouting at you, you don't question - you do. So off I trot to get the (literally) obligatory buff and spray - a humiliation which includes paper knickers and Forsyth style posing.

This party better be worth it.